Intelligent Jokes
Thursday, July 31, 2008
jokes that require some thinking
> Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
> Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
> Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
> Only in America! .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
> Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
> Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? abbreviated = shortened; made briefer
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! i know why!!! its too heavy!
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Shujun XD
> Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
> Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
> Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
> Only in America! .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
> Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
> Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
> Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? abbreviated = shortened; made briefer
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! i know why!!! its too heavy!
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Shujun XD
Random Jokes
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
Check out these types of crossbred dogs...
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
hope this livened (did i spell that right?) up IA blog. enjoy and lets look forward to SC outing!!!! XD
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
Check out these types of crossbred dogs...
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists everywhere
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, a dog that....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
hope this livened (did i spell that right?) up IA blog. enjoy and lets look forward to SC outing!!!! XD
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